


Alright

by pushupindrag



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Past Attempted Suicide, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-18 23:06:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5946736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pushupindrag/pseuds/pushupindrag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky finds out that Steve would have had time to get out of the plane before it crashed into the ice.</p>
<p>
  <i>“So basically, Steve could have got out” He stops, and Natasha does too.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“I never really thought of it like that-“</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alright

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is inaccurate but I feel like this would happen if Steve did in fact have time to leave the plane before crashing it. And of course Bucky wouldn't react in the best way.
> 
> Warnings for discussion of Attempted Suicide and Self Harm (Bucky pulls his hair out)
> 
> Come chat with me on tumblr [here](http://buckybdarnes.tumblr.com/) and cry with me about Bucky Barnes
> 
> Un'beted so if you find any mistakes please let me know :)

“Wait what?” It hits him when he’s talking Natasha at the gym. Steve was out running both Sam and Clint who were cursing his existence on the indoor track, clutching at their sides as Steve laughed.   
  
Bucky and Natasha were sparring, but it had turned into a sort of dance half way through and Bucky nearly breaks out of the lift they have going on.  
  
“Yeah, the plane is still up there somewhere.” Natasha tells him.  
  
“No before that.”  
  
“You mean the speed of the crash? Scientists say it was going pretty slow due to how close it was to the ice. That’s why you can still see it, it’s only submerged about three stories down. Maybe a little more if you consider how ice moves and whatever” He sets her down, keeping hold of her hand while she spins out.  
  
“So basically, Steve could have got out” He stops, and Natasha does too.  
  
“I never really thought of it like that-“  
  
“No, of course you didn’t. Did anybody?”  
  
“Well, no” she bites her lip, looking over at Steve who was still laughing, doubled over while Sam and Clint lay on the floor “He didn’t seem the type to try.”  
  
“Steve Rogers, the man who has seen and welcomed death so many times that Death himself would know him by name and welcome him with a pat on the back for lasting so long, wouldn’t make a last ditch attempt at death” He laughs, the sound hurting his throat “You people should have had him on suicide watch from the moment he woke up!”  
  
“He didn’t display any symptoms-”  
  
“You of all people should know about PTSD and depression. Did any of you know he needed tablets? Super Soldier Steve needs tablets and a therapist” He’s hissing now, quietly seething to himself.

He doesn’t know what was worse, Steve actually crashing the plane with the intent to kill himself and then not telling Bucky. Or the fact that nobody had got him help sooner when Bucky wasn’t there. Natasha takes a step back  
  
“James” Her voice has risen a little as he starts to pace, and the tone gets everybody’s attention. And it takes him a moment to realise that Natasha actually looks scared.  
  
“Buck?” Steve comes over, and then hastily bustles them both away and up to their apartment. Obviously sensing something’s wrong as Bucky’s hands started wandering to patchy hairline.

“What the fuck Steve? I know you’re self-destructive and everything-“ Bucky breaks as soon as they’re in their apartment, turning to face his boyfriend with eyes that he can feel are burning with a grief riddled anger.  
  
“I’m not anymore” Steve defends himself, looking hurt as Bucky explodes at him. Steve had the right to of course, not having heard the conversation, but Bucky was too out of his mind with disbelief.  
  
“But crashing a plane you’re still in while you had time to get out! Really?!” He’s shaking with how mad he is, and Steve has to put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders to stop the man from jittering out of his space.

“Buck-“

“Don’t Buck me you bastard!” Tugging out of his grip, Bucky’s hands go to his hair as he pulls in frustration and grief as Steve hunches over, making himself look smaller. He could have lost Steve again; he could have woken up in a world without Steve. “You had everything to live for! Everything!” Bucky was angry, with himself and with Steve. He should have known, he should have understood.

“Bucky-“

“No! You had Peggy! You had the Howlies! You had a life waiting for you! And what do you do!” He doesn’t realise he’s pulling his hair out as he rants, too busy staring at Steve, ignoring the tears in his own eyes as Steve wells up too. “What the fuck where you thinking!”

“I wasn’t!” Shouting, Steve grabs onto Bucky, and Bucky can’t help but sag into the tight grip. “I wasn’t thinking at all Buck.”

They stand there for a moment, silent as the words hand heavy in the air. They stare at each other, silent and still. The only noise being the gentle whirr from Bucky’s arm as they take each other in.

Slowly, because Bucky wasn’t sure if he would be welcomed after his outburst, he leans in, enough for Steve to get the hint and put his arms tightly around the brunette. The hug is warm and safe, and the heartbeat underneath his ear is a little fast, but there.

They’re both shaking, and Bucky think that they both may be crying, he is at least, getting tears all over Steve’s t-shirt.

“I wasn’t thinking at all Buck. I stopped when you fell. I couldn’t live in a world without you.” Steve whispers the confession into Bucky’s hair, just above his ear.

And yeah okay, they’re both crying. And they don’t notice when Jarvis shuts down the elevator so the others can’t get in. Instead, they stay standing, one of Steve’s hands slowly moving from Bucky’s back to his hair, carding through it while Bucky tightened his grip on Steve’s shirt.

“Alright punk, alright.” That alright meant everything. It meant that Bucky understood, that he couldn’t live without Steve either. That he would do the same. That he knew Steve had his reasons and Bucky wasn’t mad. Bucky was glad Steve knew what that ‘alright’ meant.

Alright meant that they were there. And maybe they weren't okay, but they were a damn sight better than what they could have been.


End file.
